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Super Bore
By Patryk Fournier
January 26, 2004


Belichick
Can the "Emperor" lead his troops to another Super Bowl victory?

"How do you sell anyone on the Carolina Panthers? Maybe it's a little like hyping the reality show, "The Simple Life". The Patriots are Paris Hilton and the Panthers are the other girl. No one would know the Patriots or Paris Hilton if they hadn't gotten national exposure. "
Can we still call this year's Super Bowl the big game if no one outside of Carolina or the New England area cares who wins? The right to host the annual Super Bowl game shifts among the three big networks: Fox, ABC and CBS on a yearly basis. How stretched and overworked do you think the marketing and public relations staff at CBS are to actually build a storyline out of this? It wouldn't surprise me if CBS set up a storyline during hype week just to generate some interest. This just in: Carolina Panthers Quarterback Jake Delhomme is responsible for the lost contact with the NASA Mars rover. Apparently he was jealous of the Mars rover's mobility.

So what makes this Super Bowl matchup such a bore? Perhaps the fact that the Carolina Panthers could quite easily be the worst Super Bowl team of all-time. I've watched enough Carolina Panthers games this year to know that it's quite obvious that the team collectively decided to sign a one-year pact with the devil. Would anyone really be surprised if the Panthers went 6-10 next year? At least we can take solace in the fact that the other major sports picked up the slack with classic final matchups this year. The NBA of course had the Nets-Spurs series…oh wait, that's not a great example. The NHL had an interesting Stanley Cup matchup between the Devils and Ducks…. two trapping teams that have a tough time scoring…okay, another poor example. Oh wait. The Marlins shocking the Yankees in convincing fashion was a definite highlight. Oh well I'm sure the sporting year will improve next year.

Since there is no discernable story for this year's Super Bowl I present some random thoughts about the combatants and the playoffs:

Peyton Manning's performance in the first two games of the playoffs couldn't have set up the betting line more perfectly for his AFC Championship game against the Patriots. For those who were surprised by Manning's performance, you need to look no further than the defensive opposition he faced in those games. Calling the Chiefs D a sieve is an insult to sieves all around. The Broncos easily played the most uninspired game of the playoffs. The Broncos are a strange team to figure out. They're a little like the woman at the bar after you've had a few drinks. They can look fantastic in certain situations but in the light of the day there are exposed for their true identity; that of a mid-tier football team, far from joining the elite clubs.

Who goes first in Philly, Andy Reid or Run DMC? The Eagles wouldn't be in this situation if they made an effort to get McNabb some quality wideouts. Pinkston and Trash errr….Thrash are not NFL-quality WR's. I hope those guys enjoy traveling because a NFL Europe team may come calling soon. The Eagles made it to three straight NFC championship games and failed to capitalize in any of those games. It now appears that the Eagles have faced the dreaded wall and their championship window now appears to be closed and some rebuilding is in order.

Paris Hilton, the New England Patriots of the Pop Culture world.

Hyping this year's Super Bowl may prove to be about as ineffective as a Peyton Manning throw on the run. Why did it take so long for a defense to realize that flushing Manning out of the pocket makes him prone to errors? How do you sell anyone on the Carolina Panthers? Maybe it's a little like hyping the reality show, "The Simple Life". The Patriots are Paris Hilton and the Panthers are the other girl. No one would know the Patriots or Paris Hilton if they hadn't gotten national exposure. The Patriots got theirs with their Super Bowl win two years ago and Paris got her exposure with the release of her video sex tape.

Bill Belichick has taken the NFL's lax policy on coaching apparel too far with the "Hobo Hoodie" he's been sporting this season. Like an office with casual Friday's someone is always bound to abuse and bend the rules. You ease clothing restrictions and suddenly you have people showing up to the office in Hawaiian shirts and old jeans.

In the NFC Championship game, Troy Aikman started gushing about Delhomme's incredible performance. Were we both watching the same game? Delhomme's numbers for the game: 9 for 14 with 101 yards passing and 1 TD. Isn't that type of performance a really good drive for some QB's?

The NFL should let Carolina RB Rod Smart sport the "He Hate Me" jersey for the game. Outside of Tommy Maddox, Smart was the best thing to come out of the XFL, well other than its eventual demise.

I'm sure this is the type of ending Hasselbeck was picturing.

Regardless if you were a Bucs or Raiders, fan last year the matchup was at least interesting. There were so many intriguing aspects of the game; the number one defense against the number one offense. The Defensive player of the year Derrick Brooks matched up against the NFL's MVP Rich Gannon and of course the matchup of Jon Gruden coaching against his old team. This year I see the Patriots being able to stop the run and expose Delhomme for the average QB he is. If you get the sense I'm discounting the Panthers chances you're exactly right, although I may be setting myself up for a Matt Hasselbeck type declaration. This was easily my favourite moment of the playoffs when the Seahawks won the OT coin toss against the Packers and Hasselbeck couldn't resist the temptation to be cocky: "We'll take the ball and we'll score." The football gods couldn't have been happy about that statement, especially at Lambeau Field, one of the most cherished and toughest stadiums on opponents. So I'm hoping the Panthers don't pull an Al Harris and shock me on Super Bowl Sunday.

Prediction: Patriots 21 Panthers 10

 

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