Man vs. Beast: The Ultimate Showdown

By: Patryk Fournier

Have you ever wondered who would win a tug of war between a sumo wrestler and an orangutan? Or have you ever debated with your friends who could eat 50 hotdogs quicker, a 130-pound Japanese man or a 1000-pound Kodiak bear? Before Fox's special Man vs. Beast I didn't think the world would ever get an answer to these questions.

You know when you watch something so stupid and ludicrous that it actually becomes funny? Well that was the case when I stumbled upon Fox's special program. The premise of the show was to see man compete against beast (or animals to be more specific) in various athletic competitions.

The first event was a 130-pound Japanese hot dog eating champion going against a 1000-pound Kodiak bear in a test to see who could eat 50 hot dogs quickest. On hand was Michael Buffer to introduce the competitors. Yes the very same Michael Buffer of "Let's get ready to rumbbbbbllllle" fame. In order to constrain the big bear they built an electrified wire cage to deter any attempt of eating his competitor. If that deterrent failed, they had guys standing by with tranquilizer guns. Barring the bear getting by those two safety precautions, the competition also had two licensed paramedics standing by to attend to the Japanese man after the bear got to him. So I guess the thinking on the final precaution was if the bear could get to his fellow competitor, staff would watch as the bear mauled him and then I suppose when the bear was through then the medical support could rush to the aide of this poor Japanese eating champion. Needless to say I was on the edge of my seat. The bear eventually came out as the winner around the three-minute mark. By that point the Japanese competitor had eaten 32 hot dogs. During the match the commentators noted that the bear probably doesn't know he's in a competition, but by that same token they know that the bear still wants to win this competition. (Are you kidding me? Is this actually happening?) In the post-competition interview the Japanese competitor said he was looking forward to a rematch down the line. I'm sure Don King will get involved in some way.

Winner: The Beast

The next competition pitted a 350-pound sumo wrestler against a 150-pound orangutan in a tug of war match over a pit of mud. Both competitors took their respective sides on small cliffs that were adjacent overtop the ravine of mud. The sumo wrestler was taken aback by the strength of the orangutan that seemed to toy with him. He made the whole thing look effortless, kind of like a guy who puts on the act of struggling during an arm wrestling contest. The sumo wrestler ended up doing a belly flop into the ravine of mud and came out with a lot of respect for the monkey.

Winner: The Beast

Another competition pitted a 24 year old world-class sprinter against a giraffe and later a zebra in a 100 yard dash. They posted the tale of the tape for both the sprinter and giraffe and showed the sprinter's best time as 9.94 meanwhile the giraffe's time was listed as unknown, kind of like a mysterious wrestler coming from "Parts Unknown". The tension was building. The gun was fired and the race began. By about the 20 yard line the giraffe got into trouble. Apparently he lost his footing and could have broken his neck in several places but he managed to stay upright and continued the race. It was to no avail as the sprinter won the race by a wide margin. Up next for the sprinter was the zebra. They showed some game film of the zebra running away from cheetahs in the wild. The trash talk started early for this race as the sprinter started saying that his nickname is The Cheetah Man and he is ready to devour his prey. It's so on! The competitors get into their starting blocks and the race starts. Immediately the zebra takes a huge lead and gallops to an impressive win, but wait, there's controversy. The sprinter is upset with the zebra because he claims the zebra had a false start. (I'm serious. I can't make this stuff up.) The judge rules that the race will restart and now you know that the zebra is ultra psyched up and pissed. The gun goes off and the zebra proves it was no fluke by dominating the race and winning by a good 20-30 yards. To end it off the zebra throws in a little showboating by bucking his back legs out as he crosses the finish line. Apparently the producers of Fox found the Deion Sanders of African Safaris. To stay with the title of the show the commentators continue to refer to every animal as Beast. So they wouldn't say zebra during the race, they would simply refer to the animal as Beast. It was funny stuff. Also making a cameo during this race was Carl Lewis who provided some colour commentary. The only thing missing from the race was for Carl to sing the national anthem.

Winner: The Man (1st race) and the Beast (2nd race)

The final event pitted an elephant against 44 "Little People", which is the politically correct term. Once again the commentators for this segment continually referred to the people as Little People. Apparently the point wasn't being driven home enough with the graphics that displayed the team as Little People or the fact that we could see that they were little. This final event would see the Little People attempt to pull a DC-10 airplane over the finish line before the elephant tried rolling his own DC-10 plane over the finish line. A harness was placed around the elephant and around every single Little Person. The competitors got ready and the race was on. It looked like the elephant had some problems in getting the plane moving but after he beat the inertia the rest looked very simple. On the other side it looked like only 3 or 4 Little People were actually interested in pulling this huge plane. The rest looked like they were taking a leisurely walk.

Winner: The Beast

So what did we learn from this great sporting spectacle? I learned that the Beast has a competitive drive, that Fox will broadcast anything and that I can't wait until there is a Man vs. Beast Part 2.

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